I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
