i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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