whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
