my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
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