What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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