if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
