Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
