My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
