I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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