Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
