I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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