he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
