You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
