Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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