I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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