There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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