my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
