My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
