Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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