He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
