Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
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Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
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I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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