Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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