On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
