i dedicated my morning wood to you.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
