I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
