Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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