thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
