My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
