Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
