I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
