how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
