my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
