I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
