can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
