I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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