Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
