On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.