update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.