I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
