life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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