Your face is a jimmy john
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
the day after is always just damage control
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
