The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
