Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
