His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Randomize
