Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
