I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
