I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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