I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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