My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
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The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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