dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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