Sacagawea was the original milf.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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