they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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