Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
