So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
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Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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