I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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