Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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