I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So squirting runs in the family.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
