I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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